Agitated

Every time when we talk, i feel so agitated by you. gosh!

Here I Am Again

Dear blog,

I guess you're my only sanctuary now. I don't even know if it's a good thing that i'm back again or i'm just as pathetic as last time. For the past one year, I've been really down and that's the worst year of my life. I feel like I was in this black hole where I can't seem to find my peace. I was lost and I admit that i make a huge mistake for a moment of my life. And here I am now, heartbroken, once again. This ldr i'm facing its another torture to me. I can't believe i'm actually in this situation. I've been telling myself never date someone who's gonna leave you but life just like to fuck me up. When i experience my first heartbreak, it was really bad for me. When that person left, i literally feel like i lost part of me and then, from that moment, I only realized how important was that person to me. The saying is right, you only learn to appreciate something when you have lost it. I'm not perfect and i know it. I'm screwed up in someway but i'm trying to change. I'm trying not to choose the wrong path again whenever i'm sad. I'm just a normal person who can't stand loneliness. I don't even know if I can do this anymore. What if I've never met this guy? What if he could have deserve someone better? They say if the woman is there to encourage his man, always be there when the guy is down, then that woman is a keep. I know i'm not that woman and that hurts me a lot. I'm losing my faith. Things were so different back then. I know i love him but am I good enough for him..I really don't deserve him. I'm always there to hurt him...the past is just too much to digest. I dont even know if i should let him go and set him free from this pain.

Yes I'm Emo

Im super emo now!! Everything is not going right..damn it!

Phobia

When you have phobia, you will be prejudice towards the things you're phobia with. I'm having it now and I just stepped into the hole that i'm trying to avoid. Happiness doesn't last isn't it? One moment you think that the situation will be better but when you're awake, that's when reality hits you. I don't know how long i can fight this phobia. I'm trying but in my heart, I'm having this prejudice. I wonder how am I gonna feel better. The feeling is getting worse and i feel stupid for crying. Someone please save me from this hole.

FUCK

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

.........

In the end who can really help me? Nobody.

Just a thought

When i tell people how much i treasure a friendship or relationship or how i'm expecting them to treat me...i always get the same respond. "Why are you guys so together or bound with each other? Can't u guys just do your own stuff and go on with your own live?" To me, that's all I have. I need them to keep me strong and makes me feel like I belong here. This is who I am. If I think you're a nice person, i'll be nice to you and keep you close. I trusted you but how much can you actually trust someone? My sis always tell me how naive I am and I think i'm not. That's what I think but i slowly began to learn the dirty side of reality. It hurts to know this. Should I be precautions when i talk to my friends? Should i not show who i am or my weak side to them? This can be really uncomfortable to me. I can't pretend to be fine and put on a mask just to have friends around me. Maybe i'm just another hypocrite who is scared to be alone. To be someone who people don't even care about. I hate it when they tell me people do change. I know. But i just hate it. Why can;t they be the same? Why can;t we be how we used to be? The lost of innocence is the new identity to everyone. I just need this innocence from a sincere person. I need this to tell me things will be really fine when it;s not. At least it will be convincing to me rather than hearing it from the pretender. When i'm tired of pretending, i'll be so mean. SOmetimes i hate myself for being this way. I'm such a jealousy person who thinks too much and always revenge when i have the chance. Why am i so ugly? It makes me sick. I'm sick.