Phobia

When you have phobia, you will be prejudice towards the things you're phobia with. I'm having it now and I just stepped into the hole that i'm trying to avoid. Happiness doesn't last isn't it? One moment you think that the situation will be better but when you're awake, that's when reality hits you. I don't know how long i can fight this phobia. I'm trying but in my heart, I'm having this prejudice. I wonder how am I gonna feel better. The feeling is getting worse and i feel stupid for crying. Someone please save me from this hole.

FUCK

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

.........

In the end who can really help me? Nobody.

Just a thought

When i tell people how much i treasure a friendship or relationship or how i'm expecting them to treat me...i always get the same respond. "Why are you guys so together or bound with each other? Can't u guys just do your own stuff and go on with your own live?" To me, that's all I have. I need them to keep me strong and makes me feel like I belong here. This is who I am. If I think you're a nice person, i'll be nice to you and keep you close. I trusted you but how much can you actually trust someone? My sis always tell me how naive I am and I think i'm not. That's what I think but i slowly began to learn the dirty side of reality. It hurts to know this. Should I be precautions when i talk to my friends? Should i not show who i am or my weak side to them? This can be really uncomfortable to me. I can't pretend to be fine and put on a mask just to have friends around me. Maybe i'm just another hypocrite who is scared to be alone. To be someone who people don't even care about. I hate it when they tell me people do change. I know. But i just hate it. Why can;t they be the same? Why can;t we be how we used to be? The lost of innocence is the new identity to everyone. I just need this innocence from a sincere person. I need this to tell me things will be really fine when it;s not. At least it will be convincing to me rather than hearing it from the pretender. When i'm tired of pretending, i'll be so mean. SOmetimes i hate myself for being this way. I'm such a jealousy person who thinks too much and always revenge when i have the chance. Why am i so ugly? It makes me sick. I'm sick.

Uncertainty

I was so sure of my choice even though people been telling me to wait but now they seems to be right about this. This thought suddenly hit me. Or maybe i've been living in denial but I can't lie anymore. The problem does exist and I'm trying not to bring it up but this ended with me crying to myself. How long can i withstand this? I hope it's not because of me being uncertain.

Here I Am...Again

I guess this is my habit when i'm really sad and i got no one to talk to....or should i say..i can't talk to them anymore...right now i feel really sucky and it's been so long since i have this emotional time.. i want things like how it used to be...i don;t like changes...i don;t like something that i can;t have or something that keep popping in my head but it's not there for me to hold it....the thought of it makes me feel lonely and insecure...i remember the last time i had some difficult issue with my mom..that was my saddest and hardest moment in my life...i've never cried that much in my life...and i'm feeling the same thing now...call me emo queen ;)